Sex and violence beneath the Planet of the Apes

As you've probably noticed, monkey business is our business. I've written before that the Taper's masthead should probably be "by monkeys, about monkeys, for monkeys," instead of that esoteric mumbo-jumbo atop the page about "light."

Why do I like stories about great apes, chimpanzees and monkeys?

Because they're so much like us. There is so damn little difference between our species. Heck, we're 98.4% genetic brothers and sisters.

Who can tell the difference anymore?

Read these sets of stories, and then ask yourself who are the real animals here?

• Do monkeys pay for sex?
• Connecticut cops accused of sex with prostitutes while on duty
• Man visits whorehouse, finds his wife working there

• Grabby gorilla's leg broken as dad gets riled over raisins
• Angry father kills four children by tossing them off bridge
• Father of slain teen girls upset that daughter dated non-Muslim

Monkeys | Apes | Chimps | Humanity | Planet of the Apes | Burning Taper | BurningTaper.com

Chimps making monkeys out of humans?

Long-time readers of The Burning Taper may have noticed I have a soft spot for articles about monkeys and chimpanzees. I don't know why. Maybe it's because they're our closest brothers, just a chromosome away from forming their own Grand Lodge.

Previous ape articles or photos:

• Peaceful, sex-loving chimps being eaten to extinction
• Planet of the Crazy Apes
• Evolution, schmevolution! We're all apes inside
• Princeton University shows how to hack an electronic voting machine
• Do Masonic monkeys hold banana-split fundraisers?
• And of course, Burning Taper's 500th post, where I admitted I am, in fact, a semi-literate simian.

Today's monkey business is about Hiasi (pronounced HEE-sui), a 26-year old chimp. He and his lady Rosi have been living a life of luxury at an animal sanctuary in Vienna, Austria. They have spent most of their lives feeding their faces with croissants, watching reruns of B.J. and the Bear, painting a little as the Muse strikes them, and dressing up occasionally for a night at the opera.

Unfortunately, Hiasi doesn't have a job, and the free room and board he's been getting for the past quarter century is about to end. The animal sanctuary he and Rosi call home has gone bankrupt. They just couldn't afford the chimps' $6,800 a month lifestyle.

Animal rights activists have come up with a plan. They have established a foundation to raise funds for and care for the chimps, who are expected to live to the age of 60.

But under Austrian law, only a person can accept personal donations.

The activists have begun paperwork to have Hiasi and Rosi declared "persons" who will have certain legal rights.

"We're not talking about the right to vote here," said Eberhart Theuer, a lawyer leading the challenge on behalf of the Association Against Animal Factories, a Vienna animal rights group.

"We mean the right to life, the right to not be tortured, the right to freedom under certain conditions."

All well and good. I like chimps.

But those of you who've studied future history by watching the sequels to Planet of the Apes will recognize the potential danger here. Beware! Those little critters may be smarter than we think. This could be the beginning of the Ape Revolution!

Where's Charlton Heston when we need him?

Chimpanzees | Chimps | Monkeys | Freemasonry | Grand Lodge of Monkeys | Burning Taper | BurningTaper.com