Monday, July 17, 2006

Christian rewrites "Da Vinci Code" ending; Robert Langdon converts to Christian fundamentalism

Remember Josh the Baptist and his myrmidon anti-Masonic pals at Practical Theological Discussions blog?

One of his fellow fundamentalists, Chipley McQueen Thornton, once said of me: "My heart grieves for your soul."

Ol' Chip's heart must be grieving for the whole world now. He's written a long and occasionally interesting if not totally predictable diatribe against The Da Vinci Code.

Not content to just debunk Dan Brown's admittedly fictional version of Christianity, Chip takes it upon himself to re-write the book's finale. Have a barf bag handy.

Chip's finale:
The True Gospel Of Jesus Christ

Dan Brown exercised his literary license to embellish the historical record. In like fashion, I would like to exercise the same literary license to embellish his novel. In the closing sentences of the novel, Harvard professor Robert Langdon is found kneeling and praying at the feet of the outcast one, Mary Magdalene. The novel’s last two sentences record,
“With a sudden upwelling of reverence, Robert Langdon fell to his knees. For a moment, he thought he heard a woman’s voice... the wisdom of the ages... whispering up from the chasms of the earth.” (DVC, 489)
But, now let me share with you the rest of the story....

As the upwelling of reverence began to rise, Robert recognized the woman’s faint voice. It took him a moment, but the recesses of his mind identified the compassionate tone of the sweet voice. It was the voice of a Harvard student he had taught ten years ago. She had died from an epileptic seizure during her last year at Harvard. He did not recall her name, but the voice... he remembered that pleasant voice. The one conversation she had with him was after class one day. She politely shared her testimony that Jesus Christ had died for her sins, was buried, and rose again the third day. She lovingly urged Robert to believe that Christ paid the penalty for his sins and to place his faith in Jesus Christ. She died that night. Her last words to him had haunted him since that day: “Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit, after the tradition of men, after the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ.”

As she walked away... she turned as if to say something, but simply whispered across the room, “...and not after Christ.”

Now, as Robert was on bended knee praying to the sacred feminine... he was suddenly struck with the sobering realization of his sin. Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit. The words would not leave him. After the tradition of men. The faint voice in his head seemed to grow stronger, yet compassionate. After the rudiments of the world. The smooth, sweet voice became clear and confident. And not after Christ.

At that precise moment, Robert came to understand sin. The weight of his condition before the Holy God sank into his soul. He fell on his face and wept.

He wept as he recalled the ancient words of the Apostle Paul, “They are all gone out of the way, they are together become unprofitable, there is none that doeth good, no not one” (Romans 3:10-12), knowing that the Apostle was speaking directly to him.

Robert began heaving sobs of anguish as he realized there was nothing he could do to undo the sins he had done. There is none that doeth good, said the Apostle. No, not one.

Then he suddenly remembered Christ’s words to His disciples, Ye have not chosen Me, but I have chosen you... (John 15:16). A glimmer of hope flickered in those beautiful words. Instantaneously, his mind began racing. The understanding of truth was coming in waves now. The Scripture said that God hath chosen us in Him [Christ] before the foundation of the world... having predestinated us unto the adoption of children by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will (Ephesians 1:4-5). Scriptures long forgotten began coming to his mind immediately. For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have eternal life (John 3:16).

Robert humbly bowed his head: “God chose me in spite of my failures.” The thought comforted him in an inexplicable way. It all fell into place now. Robert thought, “God will not say of me, ‘Robert lacks my righteousness.’ No, my righteousness is Jesus Christ Himself. My sin was transferred to Christ. His righteousness was transferred to me. God chose me. Christ paid for my sin. Yes, He paid the penalty for all the sins of all those who believe. I see now! I believe! Yes, Lord, I believe.”

Robert felt free at last. He felt peace. He prayed for forgiveness. He now believed and understood how Jesus Christ had saved him from his sin. He believed that Jesus Christ would one day take him to heaven. He felt an urgency to tell others of his conversion. The code of the gospel was so simple. Yet Saunière, Sophie, and Teabing could not see it. Then the young Harvard student’s voice hearkened back to him softly, “Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit, after the tradition of men, after the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ.”

Robert dedicated his life to Christ at that moment. He solemnly vowed never again to spoil the minds of young men and women through philosophy and vain deceit. He vowed to protect and uphold the truth of the gospel. Robert Langdon rose from his feet a new man in Jesus Christ. Tears were already beginning to dry on his cheek. He looked up to heaven, took a deep breath, and smiled. Then he left.

He had to find Sophie.
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  1. [retch]

    The worst thing is that now a bazillion weekend warrior Christian types are going to be emailing this as some kind of inbox glurge for the next three years.

  2. Hey - it's not really much worse than the pseudo-scholarship in the DVC. Why taunt those who taunt the DVC? The DVC itself is really nothing more than blog "gurge" for Masons and bored housewives who persistently try to stretch the bounds of our fraternity to places it was never meant to go. Let's not treat the DVC like it is some sort of revelation.

  3. Bro. Tom: If those bazillion weekenders all read this "inbox glurge" here first here on Burning Taper, I'll be a happy camper. Imagine the number of books from the "Left Behind" series I could push on Amazon if I had that kind of traffic.

    Bro. Anon: Where did either of us say "The Da Vinci Code" was some "sort of revelation." You seem to have adopted the view that if one is against one thing, they are automatically for the other. Not true. I can find Chip's Christian fundamentalism laughable without being an atheist, and his writing can be dismissed as glurge without thinking that Brown's writing is good.

    — W.S.

  4. I think Chip needs a life really! Could you imagine being female and married to the likes of this guy? Scary! Do you have to ask for forgiveness before ya do the nasty?
    "God... Save me from your followers!!!" Pseudo scholarship is definitely a proper term here. Dan Brown's writing is much better than Chip's. He needs to keep his day job of handling snakes and drinking turpentine. I GRIEVE FOR YOUR SOUL!!!!!!!! What utter excrement!

  5. I learned a long, long time ago, the best thing to do with people like this is avoid them whenever possible. No amount of reason, logic, or plain common sense is ever going to get through to them. The best you can ever hope for from a relationship with them is a few good laughs at their expense.

  6. actually, as the guy who rewrote it used a substantial amount of the original, now Dan Brown has a case for copyright infringement. Ironic, isn't it, that DB fights against a copyright infringment suit, and now someone does it to him?

  7. Ah, ol' Chip was just indulging in a little fan fiction....

    And fundamentalist Baptists have the tradmark on Jesus Christ®, you know....

    — W.S.

  8. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

  9. Just what I thought ---- Freemasons get angry when heresy is uncovered! Freemasons love heresy ---- isn't that strange? Shows their inner character!

    Keep spreading heresy - talking lies - and saying evil things about great men like Chip and expect others to bring that “barf bag” to your site - or maybe your readership has built up their immune system by now?

    Speaking about weekend religious people - what would you consider yourself? A full time immature conspiracy theorist heresy junkie?

    BTW - I have attended Bro. Chip's church - no snakes! He is a marvelous gospel preacher. In fact, he is preaching for my congregation this Sunday.

    Rev. Josh Buice
    Speaking truth rather than heresy or conspiracy theory!

  10. Josh is back, making stuff up again.

    I wrote nothing "evil" about Chip. I quoted Chip, called his writing "predictable," and then warned that while reading his fan-fiction addendum to "The Da Vinci Code" one's stomach might rebel.

    His writing is banal. Cheesy. He imparted a small bit of interesting information in early parts of his article on your site, but his finale, frankly, is ridiculous. Ooh, ooh, the poor dead epileptic student is speaking to Langdon's conscience.

    You, sir, are the one with no inner character. You've recently deleted my polite posts on your site regarding DVC issues, and actually deleted whole threads from your anti-Mason area and locked out any new comments, trying to keep your pristine site lily-white pure by banning any posts that disagree with your worldview, but yet you feel no qualms about coming over to this blog and taking a big stinking dump.

    — W.S.

  11. WS-
    I agree whole-heartedly. Ummmm, I was the one that posted the picture of the snake-handlers over at The Baptist Heresy".

    Let me ask a question...Is it really so bad to be branded heretical by heretics? (Regarding Josh calling us heretics...)


    That would mean that we are now, orthodox.

  12. So, Josh, I guess it was "wrong" for the early Christians to have spoken and believed in heresy and plan conspiracies for their continued survival...

    And I'll take the label of "a full time immature conspiracy theorist heresy junkie," especially in relation to my studies of early Christian history.

  13. I do not agree with or like your ending, but I must admit you write fanfic rather well (from the gigantic pool of waste that is internet fanfic).

  14. It's regrettable that you attack a fundamentalist Christian-styled ending so harshly. It saddens me that Christians (particularly fundamental, Bible-believing Christians)are now the popular "whipping boys" of the world. I'd bet good money that if the name of the person who wrote an alternate ending was "Abdul" and wrote it with an Islamic slant, you'd all embrace it as great, enlightened literature.

  15. As I'm not a fan of fan-fiction, I think writing alternative endings to already published literature is a little lame, whether your name is Abdul, Nanook or Chip.

    Earlier today I wrote an article about a crazed Muslim fundamentalist; I didn't hold him up as great or enlightened; he's just another misguided soul choosing to believe an ancient manuscript over generally-accepted science.

    — W.S.

  16. Of course, the story would not really end there. First, he would have to destroy the remains of the "outcast one" so that no others could be deceived by her story. (By the way, if she was so despicable, why was she one of the first to see the risen Jesus?) Next, he would start an inquisition-like organization to hunt down and "convince" (aka torture) the believers in the Mary Magdalene myth that it is fake and that his way is the best. Let God judge those who do not believe. Finally, he would probably destroy all literary references to Mary Magdalene in order to make sure that the "heresy" stayed dead.
    Before you judge the above, just look at the history of Christianity over the past thousand years and you will see this pattern over-and-over. The Christians are not the "whipping boys" of any generation, in fact it is only recently in history that rational thought was allowed in public circles. Before it was allowed, people were banished from their homes, and in some cases killed, for things as little as discussing the sun as the center of our solar system (see Earth-Centric versus Helio-Centric theories). So, should it be any surprise that there are still remnants of the old mindset that seeks to burn witches and find the devil in mundane things?

  17. The Da Vinci Code is based on a poorly-constructed theory, now debunked with scientific DNA evidence that clearly shows the Merovingian line could not have originated from Middle Eastern decent, and thus not from Jesus or Mary-unless neither of them had any M.E. DNA in them though they came from the M.E.

    Perhaps not in the recent past, but the pagan Romans used to brutally murder Christians; 6,000 in a single day according to their records. Still the modern Pagans continue to ridiculously claim that their hands are free from the stains of innocent blood. Christians do not enjoy this state, nor the Pagans.

    It's also missing the fact that many Christians were persecuted in the same persecutions that men of science were. In fact, Christians were the direct targets in some (the Cathars as example). Christians, Pagans, Muslims, Atheists (remember Pol Pot or Mau?) and virtually every group has committed atrocities for what they believed (or claimed to believe) was right. Time to try a different tact. Keep your beliefs and thoughts on God's existence or non-existence. If God wants us to come to him (leave aside question of gender for the moment), we will be lead there by grace.

    anagram anonymous

  18. It should also be recalled that burning witches originated in Pagan culture. Witches were burned historically before the advent of Christianity in tribes entirely separate from Judaism. Plantard, who is at the center of the entire concept upon which the DVC is based, is a con man and a charlatan. Unfortunately, people would rather believe what they want to believe in the face of overwhelming evidence.

    anagram anonymous

  19. Thanks again burnin taper for giving the anti-masons more fuel for the fire. Freemasonry is already viewed as a negative, anti-religous, satan worshiping cult. No real mason that I know actually agrees with any of your or most of your poster's views. I now seriously doubt that you are nor any of your following are members of a real Free and Accepted (or Ancient) Lodge, of any Grand Lodge in the USA>
    Tim L.Prosser, Benevolent Lodge#3

  20. where is Emperor Diocletian when ya need him.

  21. yes josh i love heresy ya know why the words etymological roots mean "choice" ya know like free will and all that so yea im a heretic and i love heresy


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