Monkey burglarizes Texas gardening store

This just in to our All-Monkey News Network news desk:

Owners of a Richardson, Texas gardening store were burglarized by a monkey, surveillance video shows.

"You can see the back legs, the front arms and the white head, co-owner Jerry Duncan said while pointing the monkey out in the dimly-lit video.

About 40 plants were missing, and pieces of concrete were shattered in the parking lot, according to primate-pun-riddled news reports.

"They need to train him better," Duncan said. "Especially if he is going to do the big jobs."

Image: The alleged monkey in his getaway car.



Monkeys | Crime | Grand Lodge of Georgia | Burning Taper | BurningTaper.com

Sex and violence beneath the Planet of the Apes

As you've probably noticed, monkey business is our business. I've written before that the Taper's masthead should probably be "by monkeys, about monkeys, for monkeys," instead of that esoteric mumbo-jumbo atop the page about "light."

Why do I like stories about great apes, chimpanzees and monkeys?

Because they're so much like us. There is so damn little difference between our species. Heck, we're 98.4% genetic brothers and sisters.

Who can tell the difference anymore?

Read these sets of stories, and then ask yourself who are the real animals here?

• Do monkeys pay for sex?
• Connecticut cops accused of sex with prostitutes while on duty
• Man visits whorehouse, finds his wife working there

• Grabby gorilla's leg broken as dad gets riled over raisins
• Angry father kills four children by tossing them off bridge
• Father of slain teen girls upset that daughter dated non-Muslim

Monkeys | Apes | Chimps | Humanity | Planet of the Apes | Burning Taper | BurningTaper.com

For what it's worth

There's battle lines being drawn,
And nobody's right if everybody's wrong.
Young people speaking their minds,
And getting so much resistance from behind.

It's time we stop, hey what's that sound,
Everybody look what's going down.

What a field day for the heat,
A thousand people in the street.
Singing songs and a carrying signs,
Mostly saying hooray for our side.

— excerpted from Stephen Stills' For What It's Worth


I'm frankly disgusted, but not surprised, at the free-for-all that has developed between so-called "brothers" in the comments sections of at least three recent articles on The Burning Taper.

A small army of mainstream grand-lodge-right-or-wrong supporters have descended on this blog like a horde of the Wicked Witch's flying monkeys. The breakaway brothers, in some cases, have responded to the attacks upon themselves and their recent actions with equally caustic comments. No one, including the inaptly named "Objective," has really been objective. Everyone's been pushing their own "party line."

I'm hard-pressed to find even one comment out of some 300 or more so far that is becoming of a Mason. Even in my own most critical of articles over the past two years, I don't think I've come close to the negative, ad hominem diatribes, rants and pontifications many of you have been writing. You've degenerated into chimpanzees, chattering inanely while trying to mark your territories by throwing pieces of shit at each other.

Bro. Arthur Peterson of North Carolina has just drawn a line in the sand against Bro. Brad Cofield of California. If they didn't live on opposite coasts, 2,900 miles apart, they'd probably be duking it out at a local lodge hall.

Bro. Peterson:

"You asked if I would chose Br. Peterson as a mason given the choice, and of course the answer is yes."

Hhhhmmm, Gotta problem with me Brad Cofield?

If you care to address your concerns about me with me personally, like a man would do, I am here.

I stopped posting to blogs, but for you I will make an exception.

So tell me Brad, what is the problem with me?

Fair warning though, I will not handle you with kid gloves. Others have been very patient with you. Some see you as a misguided child. I do not, and won't treat you as such. So, if you care to discuss personality traits, lets do it.

Br. Arthur Peterson

The levels of anger and self-righteousness coming from the entrenched majority old-school blue lodgers is amazing. I haven't seen anything like it before, not even the evening my own lodge went bananas back in early 2005 when I, as Director of Masonic Education, gave a lecture that mentioned our Grand Lodge's rules that sectarian religion shouldn't be discussed in a tyled lodge.

Then, I had gently reminded my brothers that we weren't supposed to be talking about or praying to Jesus in lodge meetings — according to Masonic law and tradition — and a bucket of rattlesnakes was turned over.

Here and now, brothers are up in arms over the fact that other Masons have made unilateral decisions — to start new lodges or grand lodges, or to break away from the established grand lodge system to practice what they see as Freemasonry. A dozen or so of mainstream Masonry's Online Spin Doctors have put themselves on the front lines, 24/7, it seems, to fight for their Lofty Ideals against the Masonic Malcontents.

And the Masonic Malcontents, pressed to the wall by the Spinners' shouts of "unmasonic!," "oath-breaker!," "Goofus!" "thieves!", and "you're no longer my brother!", have fought back, and not necessarily as gentlemen, either.

Even as I write this, another dozen or so comments have appeared on those three articles — none of them especially germane to the original points of the articles. Just more "my Masonry is better than your Masonry" stuff.

Ordinarily, I'd enjoy the attention the Taper is getting. Readership and comments are what makes a blog interesting. The stats programs show readership has nearly doubled in the past few weeks. I assume many brethren have been coming here to learn the latest news about Halcyon and Euclid Lodges and about the new Grand Orient of the United States of America.

It's a shame that now all these new visitors are seeing is the ongoing, same-ol' same ol' bickering of a dozen or so so-called practitioners of Brotherly Love — from both sides.

Disagreement is healthy, and I've encouraged it here since Day One. Masons disagree all the time, about life, the universe, and even Masonry. But we're to do it civilly.

During the Civil War, Masons from both sides of the fight put down their weapons and conversed with each other in brotherly fashion, even if just for a while. I'm sure they acted a damn sight more civil to each other than Masons have here (and on many other forums and blogs) lately.

The Masonic world is watching.

Take a break. Go file charges against yourself for being unmasonic. Or at least spend a few hours in your chamber of reflection. Imagine yourself in your "enemy's" apron. Can you at all understand his point of view? Can you at all understand why he believes the way he does?

Two months ago I wrote that I had become Master of my own lodge. Today I'm promoting myself, to Grand Master of this blog.

EDICT #1
December 4, 2007

• You will at all times while on this site behave as ladies and gentlemen. If you have a difference of opinion with someone, please express it, but express it with style, substance and grace, not ad hominem attacks or "fighting words." And once you've made your point, move on. Constantly repeating yourselves reminds me of a bunch of clucking old hens.


• Any use of the word "unmasonic" in any of its forms, or similar word(s), or the accusation against a brother Mason of having broken his oath, shall be accompanied by a copy of charges of said unmasonic conduct you have filed with the Secretary or Junior Warden of the accused brother's lodge. Accusation without formal charges is a Masonic offense.


• Lighten up.

The comments section of The Burning Taper will be closed for approximately 24 hours (until around 6 pm ET, Wednesday, Dec. 5). Please use this time to go stand in the corner and think about what you've done.


WE ARE NOT HELPLESS

We are not helpless, we are men
What lies between us
It can be set aside and ended
Ev'ryday we learn more how to hate
Shut the door
And then we tell ourselves we can relate
Only to the ones who are the same
Yet even they are diff'rent
And ever so they shall remain

All are strangers, all are friends
All are brothers, brothers
Open up, my friend, and learn to hear
For even lying
When it has nothing you should fear
If you cannot let yourself be known
By anyone
Then you are hiding and not whole

All are strangers, all are friends
All are brothers, brothers
We, your children, we would ask you all
Please do not hide your eyes
And listen when we call
We will whisper, shout or make a scene
We are the answer
For we can live the peace we dream

All are strangers, all are friends
All are brothers, oh yeah, oh yeah
Yes, America's children
Are askin' ev'rybody some questions about how it is
Yes, America's children
Are makin' it hard to look them in the eyes
America's children
Are makin' it hard to live lies, you know, whoa, it is
And America's children

Are diggin' that ev'rywhere children
Are diggin' we live on the earth
We live on the earth, we live on the earth right now
Yes, and it's right on, children of the earth, and it's right on
Children of the earth, and it's right on
Children of the earth and it's right on, right on, yeah

This is what has made our nation free
For life is change
And only blind men cannot see
The new order is upon us now
It is the children
They have the wisdom to be free
All are strangers, all are friends
All are brothers

— by Stephen Stills

Image: Carp food

Masons | Masonic Infighting | Internet Freemasonry | Freemasonry | Grand Lodge Edicts | Burning Taper | BurningTaper.com

Chimps choose more rationally than humans

The Burning Taper is known across the Milky Way for its never-ending coverage of monkey business. If it's about a primate, we'll print it.

Our masthead should be "By monkeys. About monkeys. For monkeys."

(Read more RAW.)

In the past we've brought you cutting-edge monkey business including:

• Peaceful, sex-loving chimps being eaten to extinction
• Chimps making monkeys out of humans?
• Planet of the Crazy Apes
• Evolution, schmevolution! We're all apes inside
• Princeton University shows how to hack an electronic voting machine
• Do Masonic monkeys hold banana-split fundraisers?
• And of course, Burning Taper's 500th post, where I admitted I am, in fact, a semi-literate simian.

Now we learn that chimps are more rational than humans.

Chimpanzees make choices that protect their self-interest more consistently than do humans.

Researchers used a two-player economic game where each player, either chimp or human, receives something of value and can then share it with the other player.

If what is offered is rejected, then neither player gets anything.

Humans typically offer half of the booty, and typically reject any offer significantly less than half, even though rejecting it means neither player will get anything.

Chimps, though, will offer much less than 50%, but will accept any offer.

What's this mean? Researches think it means that humans will go without to punish another person, or to keep him from getting more than his "fair share."

Chimps don't care about being fair. They simply protect their self-interest, and they are unwilling to lose something simply to punish someone else who is being unfair.

Chimps, like most "lower" animals, live in the Now, and are concerned with their immediate present, unlike humans, who constantly live in the past or the future, worrying excessively about other people, both in their attempts to be fair to them, and to punish those who they perceive as unfair.

(Read more Tolle.)

Monkey Business | Chimpanzee Studies | Rationality | Burning Taper | BurningTaper.com

Chimps making monkeys out of humans?

Long-time readers of The Burning Taper may have noticed I have a soft spot for articles about monkeys and chimpanzees. I don't know why. Maybe it's because they're our closest brothers, just a chromosome away from forming their own Grand Lodge.

Previous ape articles or photos:

• Peaceful, sex-loving chimps being eaten to extinction
• Planet of the Crazy Apes
• Evolution, schmevolution! We're all apes inside
• Princeton University shows how to hack an electronic voting machine
• Do Masonic monkeys hold banana-split fundraisers?
• And of course, Burning Taper's 500th post, where I admitted I am, in fact, a semi-literate simian.

Today's monkey business is about Hiasi (pronounced HEE-sui), a 26-year old chimp. He and his lady Rosi have been living a life of luxury at an animal sanctuary in Vienna, Austria. They have spent most of their lives feeding their faces with croissants, watching reruns of B.J. and the Bear, painting a little as the Muse strikes them, and dressing up occasionally for a night at the opera.

Unfortunately, Hiasi doesn't have a job, and the free room and board he's been getting for the past quarter century is about to end. The animal sanctuary he and Rosi call home has gone bankrupt. They just couldn't afford the chimps' $6,800 a month lifestyle.

Animal rights activists have come up with a plan. They have established a foundation to raise funds for and care for the chimps, who are expected to live to the age of 60.

But under Austrian law, only a person can accept personal donations.

The activists have begun paperwork to have Hiasi and Rosi declared "persons" who will have certain legal rights.

"We're not talking about the right to vote here," said Eberhart Theuer, a lawyer leading the challenge on behalf of the Association Against Animal Factories, a Vienna animal rights group.

"We mean the right to life, the right to not be tortured, the right to freedom under certain conditions."

All well and good. I like chimps.

But those of you who've studied future history by watching the sequels to Planet of the Apes will recognize the potential danger here. Beware! Those little critters may be smarter than we think. This could be the beginning of the Ape Revolution!

Where's Charlton Heston when we need him?

Chimpanzees | Chimps | Monkeys | Freemasonry | Grand Lodge of Monkeys | Burning Taper | BurningTaper.com