Friday, May 12, 2006

God Hates Figs! God Hates Rags! God Hates Shrimp!

Lots of people have found the insane antics of fundamentalist Christian Rev. Fred Phelps, his daughter and the rest of the nuts at Westboro Baptist Church to be fodder for their satire.

The Biblical Book of Leviticus, the source of Westboro's belief that "God Hates Fags," is a treasurechest of other supposed God-rules. If we're gonna believe one, we should believe all of them, right?
  • God Hates Shrimp — Leviticus 11:9-12 says: These shall ye eat of all that are in the waters: whatsoever hath fins and scales in the waters, in the seas, and in the rivers, them shall ye eat. And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you: They shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcases in abomination. Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you.

  • God Hates Rags: The Word states, clear as day, in Leviticus Chapter 19, Verse 19: "Neither shall a garment made of two types of materials come upon you." Apparently God really hates felt, which is usually a pressed material of more than one fiber. This one comes with a seven-minute film parodying Fred Phelps's church. "Phelps Hates Felt!"

  • In Matthew 21:18-20, Jesus rebukes the fig tree, calling it evil: "Now in the morning as he returned into the city, he was hungry. And when he saw a fig tree by the road, he came to it, and found nothing on it, but leaves only, and said to it, Let no fruit grow on you henceforward for ever. And presently the fig tree withered away. And when the disciples saw it, they marvelled, saying, How soon has the fig tree withered away!" Then in Mark 11:12-14 Jesus commands us not to eat of the cursed fig tree: "The next day, when they came from Bethany, he was hungry: And seeing a fig tree afar off having leaves, he came, if perhaps he might find any thing on it: and when he came to it, he found nothing but leaves; for the time of figs was not yet. And Jesus answered and said to it, No man eat fruit of you hereafter forever. And his disciples heard it." God Hates Figs! This is further stated in Psalms as well as in Jeremiah. Verily!

Then there's "God Hates Globes" and "God Hates Westboro Baptist Church," too.

And everyone's favorite Baptist church, Landover Baptist Church, brings us The Da Vinci Code movie review under the headline, "Anything that drives the Catholics crazy can't be all bad!"

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  1. Absolutely LOVE IT!!! It's only a matter of time before this nut pickets the WRONG military funeral and a whole bunch of family members with some fighting mad soldiers just beat this sorry excuse for a piece of pond scum into a bloody pulp. Fred Phelps and the Westboro Inbred Church are in dire need of a good old-fashioned butt-kicking! It's a shame that he has reproduced and brought children into the world. They just HAD to keep trying til they got one with two arms, two legs, and no tail! You gotta have webbed toes to be a member of WBC! I hear they share an extra chromosome or two; among other things.

  2. Even though Westboro Baptist Church's congregation is composed primarily of Phelps's extended family, it's interesting to note that his son, Mark, left the fold as a very young man, back in 1974.

    In an open letter to the citizens of Topeka and northeastern Kansas from 1993 (and confirmed by him to still be his beliefs about his father in 1994) Mark says about his father Fred Phelps:

    "He considers his environment to be against him without admitting, acknowledging or taking responsibility for how he contributes to that. He likes to show himself as being moral, pro-family, pro-Bible, but his actions just don't add up to that. I believe in God and the Bible, and my father's behavior doesn't fit the description of behavior that would show in the life of one who loves God; behavior characteristics such as Love, Joy, Peace, Longsuffering, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, Self-control. Instead, my father's behavior characterizes, I believe, Hate, Outbursts of Wrath, Contention, Jealousy, Vengefulness, Misery, Harshness, and Selfish ambition. He mis-states the truth about his own behavior, about others, about the Bible, with apparent ease and regularity. He behaves with a viciousness the likes of which I have never seen. He accepts no genuine accountability in his life and is subject to no one. His lifestyle betrays the sacred trust of what a pastor, husband, father and grandfather should be. I suppose if a comparison were made between the life of Jesus Christ and my father, there would not be much to compare.

    "I also realize that my father is a very unstable person who is determined to hurt people. And because he is so bound to be hateful and hurtful, and because he's so untrustworthy, I believe it's a good idea to respond to him with caution much like the caution used when dealing with a rattlesnake or a mad dog. You see, the causes that he crusades for, including the Bible, are not the issue here. He simply wants to hate and to have a forum for his hate. If the causes he focuses on were the issue, that is, if they really meant something to him in his heart and he meant for the things he does to be for the good, his behavior would not be what it is. He would not betray his message with his behavior. But, when he needs to, to vent his hate, he readily goes outside the bounds of any previously stated 'value' or 'cause' he may have supported. He experiences no moral dilemma when it comes to doing what he wants to do. If it weren't the homosexuals, it would be something else."

    — Widow's Son

  3. Ummmmm...Does God hate Prime Rib with Horseradish and Au Jus??? 'Cause I LOVE that stuff! God CAN'T hate prime rib...I mean... That would be sooo wrong!!! What kind of a God wouldn't like juicy prime rib??? It's like ambrosia for the Gods!!! If God didnt want us to eat animals...he wouldnt have made them out of meat!



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